I’m dying. It’s official. I’ve checked and if Google can tell me where the nearest Morrisons is and what time True Grit starts on Thursday evening then it can’t be wrong now it’s telling me that I am not long for this world! I’ll laugh at those people who mocked me on Facebook when I said I was ill. I’ll be truly vindicated when I peg it at…..let me just Ask Jeeves…….3.15pm next Wednesday!
I have all the symptoms. Fever, well, I had that last week. Check. Headaches, yup. Chills, brrrrryup. Back pain – I have some of that too. Loss of appetite, well, yes, some. Which in my case must be the sign of an impending doom. Nausea, yup. That’s it. Yellow Fever – I’m certain. I now await the violent end with assured acceptance of my fate and a chance to, retrospectively, rub the noses of the head shakers and doubting Thomas’s in my phlegmy departure from this world.