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Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Dear God

Dear God,

In light of the recent events - earthquakes, floods, tsunami, potential nuclear meltdown, financial crises, a wave of wars, increasing deviant criminality and the unfathomable success of “The Wanted” I feel now would be a good opportunity to apologise for the last, well, numerous years of making light of both you and your believers.

In fact I apologise for questioning your very existence too. I question not whether my friend has a Gran called Margaret just because I haven't born witness to any of her work. He assures me she knits a mean sweater and I believe him. Just because I have never seen her I do not assume that she is a figment of his and the family’s imagination. As such it was amiss to treat you differently. 

Despite the multitude of jokes made and/or forwarded by me I was in fact very sorry to hear about the (relative to the billions of years of Earth's creation, by you, of course) recent crucifixion of your son Jesus. It must be a very difficult thing to watch as a parent and though the temptation must have been there to intervene I understand that sometimes we have to let our children make their own mistakes. If you are ever feeling particularly low my door is always open and there will be a brew on. Surely even a deity such as yourself can be perked by a party ring and jammy dodger.

When I joked that my old housemate Ian and I were to create our own 'religion' of Chris-Ianity I trust that you took this in the tongue in cheek manner it was intended. Imitation IS the best form of flattery after all.

Thankfully I understand that you are an all forgiving being. It is with this in mind that I hope you will find it in yourself to forgive my trespasses. In return I with equally forgive those who’ve, well, you know. This includes the black eye Lee Torrington gave me in school, the person who ran into my car all those years back and, ok. I’m holding my forgiveness for the chap(s) who broke into my car. I’m opting for some Old Testament wrath when it comes to that, I hope that’s ok?

I digress. Thank you in advance for your all encompassing forgiveness. I will no doubt be in touch in the future as I have a feeling that I have some extra sin to get out of the system still but, once that’s all out of the way hopefully we can meet up for a Starbucks and muffin to discuss the finer points of that book of yours.

Many thanks,


PS: Is this what it’s like to be Catholic?

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