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Wednesday, 19 January 2011


The problem with telling people that you want to write is that it’s a statement of intent followed by a tidal wave of questions. The worst possible one, of all, is the nag.

“When’ll it be done?” or even worse “have you started yet?” P*ss off is the response, but it’s almost as much for them making me face up to my own tardiness as it is their constant and irritating drone. Did Douglas Adams have to deal with this? Kubrick? Tolkein? I ought ask them, though a lack of ability (and belief) in channelling may be somewhat of a hindrance. There’s always one barrier or another…….

And there you have it - excuses are something that I’m not short of. Work is so tiring. I have too much hockey or cricket on. My brain is just not functioning at the right level, I must be stressed. It’s all rubbish of course. Firstly, the only thing tiring about work right now is the constant threat that someone may find out I haven’t got much to do at all. Please don’t take that the wrong way. Every task tossed my way is duly dispatched of the nearest boundary completed and error free. But then after a while I get bored of my own voice asking for the next, slightly more tedious task to be imagined up. Secondly, there is no such thing as too much hockey and/or cricket.

The problem is that boredom does not inspire creativity. It has however been inspiring an appetite the size of a small African republic. Something that I, my tightly buttocked trousers and my supportive team mates (a weekly fine of fattest man on team and requests for a truffle-shuffle if ever this is queried) are all too aware of.  Hang on a second. That has given me an idea. No, not the dancing. Perhaps I could combine my two newest skills.  Create a reward based system to spur me on and fight the steady death of the ol’ grey matter that currently besets me at every turn.

That’s it – I HAVE IT!

I'll draw up a price list later but for now, a special introductory offer -  I'll knock up three excuses for a battenberg. They are my speciality!

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